Demonstrate the behavior you expect of others and be seen as a sincere, accountable leader.
Like everyone, leaders are emotional beings and can be hurt by others’ words and actions. Holding onto anger can cloud our decisions where the offender is involved and can shape our behavior in ways that are unhealthy for us and not good for our organizations.
In mentoring discussions where a mentee was particularly angry with someone, I would ask, “Do you think he meant to hurt you? Do you believe it was his intent or was it a mistake and he was just careless with his words? What are you assuming about his intent?” Often, my mentee would come to the realization that the other person did not mean to purposefully hurt him.
In the corporate world, anger, harsh words, and hurt often occur when people disagree on an important topic. Someone believes his position is absolutely correct and others are blind not to see it as clearly as he does. In these cases, I would ask, “Why do you think he sees it that way? Is he saying something much different than you, or a bit different? Do the differences matter? What would an acceptable middle ground look like? What would have to be true for you to close the gap? Can those things be true?” Being a leader is not about being right all the time. It is about finding the best answers to meet competing needs. Quickly forgive those who hurt you and you can move on with a clearer mind.
Asking for forgiveness is even more impactful. “I’m sorry” is possibly the most important statement you can make as a leader. Saying you are sorry when you make a mistake or hurt someone tells your team a lot about you, such as you know you are fallible, it’s okay not to be perfect, you are accountable, you don’t make excuses, you care enough to apologize, you expect everyone to apologize when they should, and you are secure in your position. Personal connections with your associates are strengthened when you act first to apologize. Your connections with other leaders are also strengthened when they see you act accountably. While it’s natural to want to explain your words or actions that hurt another, without an apology your response can be viewed as an excuse or self-serving. With an apology, the same response can be viewed as mature and sincere. No need to apologize for every little thing that goes wrong, and it’s certainly important for people to understand reasons for problems so they can assist with resolving them. But an apology for consequential mistakes can go a long way toward moving past the problem quickly and elevating you in the eyes of others.
Share your thoughts below.
Can you share a time when a leader had an impact on you by apologizing? Or one where you felt it necessary to apologize to a team member and the response you received?
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